How can you make sure your aging parents are financially secure without questioning their ability to look after themselves? What can you do if your mother or father needs more daily help than either will admit to or accept? How can you prepare to emotionally and physically support your parents without short-changing yourself and your own family—now and in the future?
Too often, adult children struggle to answer these and related questions in the midst of crisis. What may begin as a reaction to immediate need—a broken hip, the death of one parent—can develop into a caregiving commitment that stretches for decades. Many caregivers are unprepared, both for the crisis and for what may be many challenging years after that.
One successful career woman, typical of many caregivers, put her career and family plans "temporarily" on hold to care for her ailing mother. But what began as a brief illness for her mother stretched into almost 15 years of round-the-clock care and responsibility for the daughter. When her mother died, the caregiver was left mentally and physically exhausted, almost impoverished and facing the task of rebuilding a new life alone at age 55.
Caregiving pressures frequently lead adult children to turn down promotions, switch to part-time employment, retire early, move to be near their parents or isolate themselves from friends and colleagues.
On the other hand, your parents may not need your assistance, financial or otherwise, for many years, if at all. Whatever the circumstances, a little advance planning and some common sense can make your caregiving role much easier, if and when it becomes necessary.
In the past, caring for aging relatives automatically fell to daughters, maiden aunts or other female relatives. Wives were expected to look after their own parents, their husband’s parents and sometimes frail grandparents. Although some cultures and religions dictate that these patterns continue, many caregiving traditions began to fade towards the end of the twentieth century and are increasingly under review today. Women are no more available nor more able to give care than men. Parents and children are often divided by distance, disputes or divorce. The demands of everyday life, careers and family leave most adult caregivers with little time for themselves let alone time to support an aging relative.
Increased longevity further complicates caregiving. Living beyond age 100 is no longer news. In Canada, more than 3,000 people have celebrated their 100th birthday; this number is matched by more than 61,000 in the United States. Many of these very senior individuals live active, involved lives. As the trend towards long, healthy, active lives continues, individuals may be much older before they require support. At that point, many may need help from family and friends who, by then, may also be advance in years and perhaps in need of support themselves.
If one or both of your parents live to celebrate their 100th birthday, how old would you be? Seventy? Eighty? Since at that age you may require assistance to maintain your own independence, your children or your grandchildren may be asked to take over as caregivers for your parents while helping you out, too. Your approach and attitude towards caring for your parents will influence family patterns that could affect you in later years.
Support and caring goes beyond shopping, housekeeping, bill paying and personal care. The most valued caregiver contributions are those that preserve normality, self-esteem and independence. Since relationships, intimacy, humour and privacy are as cherished after age seventy as they are at other stages of life, caring for your parents means you must be as attentive to their emotional and spiritual needs as you are to their physical and health requirements.
Becoming a caregiver to your mother, father or both parents will also force the redefinition of your usual objectives in caring for loved ones. However successful you are at caring for your parents—and they are at looking after themselves—death is inevitable. In spite of that unavoidable outcome, offering support and care to your parents can be a positive, fulfilling experience for them and for you and your family.
Caring for a parent does not mean babying him or her into dependence. Most adults cherish their independence above all else. Independence allows the individual to exercise the personal preferences that define their identity. For caring to be constructive and accepted, it must allow an individual to retain self-esteem, personal freedom and independence by carrying on with tasks and decision making that define them as an adult and an individual.
Caring support is not always welcome. If you persistently offer help where it may be needed but not wanted, you can create a situation which will be stressful for all involved and which may seriously damage relationships. Many older individuals prefer to struggle on their own for quite a while—especially if they feel their ability to look after themselves might be put in question by a "show of weakness."
"Caring" means different things to different people. It will mean one thing to you, but your parents will interpret it from their own, and unique, points of view. The tasks, responsibilities and functions involved may differ if your parents live nearby, instead of in another city, province or country, or if there is more than one family caregiver involved.
A major challenge in offering care is preparing for and responding to the unexpected. What will happen to your parents in the decades ahead? Will illness strike or will your parents live healthy, active lives until a short time before their death? Will finances become a concern? Where will they live and how will they spend this portion of their lives? Will they need little help from you or will they ultimately require daily support?
When your parents are both active and healthy, most of any necessary caring and support may come from each other. If one parent becomes ill—temporarily or chronically—the other may choose to cope alone although he or she will gather support from you, their friends and professional advisors. When one parent dies, you may find you and your time in demand. Of course, this depends on your relationship with the surviving parent, that parent’s personal network of friends and the nature of their life.
